MY PINK RIBBON STORY- A Puzzle Piece of my life 1/4
THERE IS A TIME FOR EVERYTHING
This time of the year, the end of August and beginning of September is very significant for me. I am excited. Excited because it is spring here in South Africa, we say goodbye to the winter season, bye to cold early mornings, and nights, to bare branches and lifeless lawns, and hello to the new season.
Spring brings the warmth, the blossoms, light for longer, birds chirping a new cycle....
Mmmmm it sums up very well for me. It is a new cycle, a chance to give thanks, to be grateful and to celebrate.
One thing I can confirm:
Positive affirmations are the way forward. As a little girl I had this deep conviction that God was only good. I refused to acknowledge hell. I believed that because maybe mostly out of need. He was my highest Parent, so He loved me unconditionally, and Nothing Bad was going to happen. I was little Poly-Ana, and that helped. Little did I know that this attitude I adopted as young as 5years old was a stepping stone for my well being.
As an adult at a stage of my life, I became cynical, but then, a lesson taught me to stop what was eating me...literally....and was awakened from a sleeping state, and since then the teachers have been pouring in, Thank you to God, Universe, friends, and teachers and to those who stirred me up the most.
I am looking back ten years. I remember that at this time, during late August, I had a lot of dreams; Dreams about babies; Babies that I did not look after very well; A dream of my late mother- in -law holding and looking after a little girl. So I interpreted these dreams and thought “oh my gosh, am I going to have my forth child and this is going to be a girl, in my forties?” And obviously my mother- in -law symbolised that the baby girl would take her name.
At the same time, I experienced a lot of my dad’s presence around me although he had passed away 4yrs earlier. He was everywhere in every conversation, friends of his that I had not seen or heard all of sudden were in contact with me. Books and poetry that he loved were in my face. Especially the music, which I listened to on the Greek Radio, was music that he loved.
Well eventually, I realised that the universe was sending me a message. The universe was preparing me. What a wonderful Universe we live in. What wonderful Love.
One afternoon as I was sitting in my car reading a book and listening to the Greek Radio Station, a song came up that my father loved. The emotion was so strong, I put my book down, gazed out the window and asked “dad what are you trying to tell me?” I had this overwhelming feeling of love and protection.
Well I got the answer, the next day. I was prepared; I knew I was in safe hands.
It was the morning of the 6th of September 2000, the time close to 6am.
MY PINK RIBBON STORY A Puzzle Piece of My Life - 2/4
6 September 2000
This date I remember because I found a lump on my breast and my life took a new meaning. When I felt the lump at first it was disbelief and I asked my husband Harry to make sure it was what I thought it was. The next step was to go to the gynaecologist, where he sent me for a mammogram and needle biopsy. All the time I was telling myself to stay calm and until I had the results in black and white there was nothing I could do. The twelve hour waiting period was the longest twelve hours I remembered, I just needed to know what was happening so that I could take the next step. On the 7th September 2000 the biopsy confirmed I had breast cancer. I was sent to a surgeon. He wanted to operate straight away. I suggested further tests to be done first. Thank God, I listened to my little voice, the Angel sitting on my shoulder. The tests revealed the cancer had spread to the bones. I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, with a 20% chance to live to 5yrs and 10% to live to 10yrs.
The next step was even more difficult. I had to tell my husband and my sons. They were shocked all in different ways. Harry was in denial, Basil my oldest son sobbed his heart out, Chris my second was very intellectual about it asking lots of questions which I still did not have answers to, and my youngest son walked out and refused to discuss the matter further. I don’t remember having any feelings for myself except to protect my family from their pain and fear. At a moment, I remembered, it is time; I must take stock of my life. That is when I realised that I could do something and I must start immediately. This realization started a ball rolling, which had a lot to do with my positive attitude towards my new life.
I can truly say that cancer has been my best therapist. I decided to let the oncologist deal with the physical side of the disease and I knew that I had to do all the other work.
I refused to have a mastectomy to start off with. I decided to have chemotherapy. I read all about it and took some precautions such as going to a nutritionist for advice on vitamins and a healthy diet. I went and purchased a wig and shaved my hair. I took doctors advice and made sure that I could minimise the side effects as much as possible. More than anything I wanted my life to go on as normal. I did not want to see worry or fear on the faces of all my loved ones. I knew I had the power to take control and make the best out of the worst scenario and I did. Went through chemotherapy with a breeze, I never got sick in any sort of way. I then started my radiotherapy which also went very well. As soon as my chemotherapy and radiation treatments were over, I went overseas for a well deserved holiday.
Three years later in May 2003, I had a mastectomy with reconstruction in September 2003, was on treatment for the bone for 7 years to "control" the cancer in the bone. The bone involved is the skull, shoulders, ribs, spine, hips and knees. This medication which was done intravenously is called Zometa which the basic chemical is biophosfonate. I had side effects on this medication. The side effects are that I have developed osteonecrosis of the jaw bone that is dead jaw bone, because there is no blood circulating in that area. How all this started was when I experienced bad tooth ache. Obviously I went to the dentist and had 3 teeth removed. This was a big mistake. Off course I was still in excruciating pain, which my dentist could not understand with a big infection which did not subside.
Unfortunately my oncologist did not advise me of the side effects as this was something that was discovered at a later stage, not even the insert that I had, warned me of these symptoms, and side effects. Unfortunately my dentist was also not up to date with developments. When I went to see my oncologist on my monthly visit and told him of my toothache and extractions, only then was the diagnosis done. Then I was advised to see a maxilla facial surgeon, who has helped me a great deal. I had a small op done in Nov 2007 to clean up the loose bone, and infection. I now am on 1000mg of penicillin twice daily, to keep infection under control. Because there is no circulation in that area, infection sets in quickly and breaks down the bone, with the result there is exposed bone in my mouth. Now I see him every 4-6 weeks.
Now my treatment for the "cancer" in bone has stopped, and I do scans, x-rays and blood tests to keep it in check.
Unfortunately my oncologist did not advise me of the side effects as this was something that was discovered at a later stage, not even the insert that I had, warned me of these symptoms, and side effects. Unfortunately my dentist was also not up to date with developments. When I went to see my oncologist on my monthly visit and told him of my toothache and extractions, only then was the diagnosis done. Then I was advised to see a maxilla facial surgeon, who has helped me a great deal. I had a small op done in Nov 2007 to clean up the loose bone, and infection. I now am on 1000mg of penicillin twice daily, to keep infection under control. Because there is no circulation in that area, infection sets in quickly and breaks down the bone, with the result there is exposed bone in my mouth. Now I see him every 4-6 weeks.
Now my treatment for the "cancer" in bone has stopped, and I do scans, x-rays and blood tests to keep it in check.
MY PINK RIBBON STORY A Puzzle Piece of My Life - 3/ 4
Looking Within
I took a look into my life and asked why I was dealing with cancer. All I really wanted from life as far as I can remember when I was a little girl was to be a mother. I treasured my three sons. Now was I going to die and leave them behind? No way! Who was going to look after them? Protect them? Then I realized I had been doing all this for so many years. Was I really in control over their lives or mine? No.
I looked into my childhood, my parents were divorced and I lived with my dad from the age of 9yrs. I looked after my younger sister Maria and kept house. All I remember are responsibilities and trying to protect my dad from his pain of the divorce. Although my mother left, and I was angry at her for doing so, and leaving me with so many responsibilities, I loved my mother and was afraid to admit so. My father was hurt, loved and missed her too. My sister would get physically sick, in order for my mom to visit. I realized I harboured a lot of unspoken pain. I did not want to speak of my pain or my anger or any negative feeling in fear of looked on as a bad person. I made a promise to myself when I get married it will be forever and I will never leave my children or allow my children to go through the pain that I experienced.
Now I was doing exactly that. I realised that a lot of healing had to come from deep within myself. I accepted and embraced my cancer as a friend not a foe, or God getting back at me or me paying for past sins. I knew that my cancer had some very deep roots. This realization was for me such a break through. I started to love myself again, like I did sometime before I was 9yrs old. I accepted that I had to let go and flow with life instead of against it. At this point my dream of me not looking after the babies was clear to me. I needed to look after the child within. Me.
I started to look at my emotions and reactions. When I felt anger, I stood back and asked why- and realized that I was solely responsible for that feeling not at the person or the situation at hand. Instead of harbouring ill feeling now, I could sit back and analyze and accept responsibility and I realized how wonderful and therapeutic that was. I came to see that I always had a choice in every single situation. That calmed me and excited me at the same time. There was nobody to blame. I took some steps and they brought me to this path. Good and bad was what I perceived in a situation, at that particular time and space of my life.
The beginning of my healing started when I began to accept what is. I allowed myself to feel anger, and it was ok as long as I did not hold on to it and make it my refuge. It was ok once again to be myself. I no longer felt I had to be aloof. I realized that I could not let things eat me up otherwise I would allow the cancer to eat me up.
I had to start trusting again. I accepted that the Universe/God only wants what is best for me, and that every situation has a different angle to it. What was good to me was not good for someone else, and I learned to respect that. I accepted it was ok for someone to disagree with me, and it was good to have my own opinion. I did not always have the answers, and it was ok. All this made my life so much lighter and made me realize how controlling I had been with myself.
I decided that I was here to learn foremost how to love myself, I know that the cancer has shown up because it was time for me to wake up and heal my spirit and soul since I had so many opportunities which I did not seize, and now I was given a sign which manifested on my physical body.
Now I know even if I do not heal physically, I have achieved much more because I know that I have started healing on many levels, I now know this peace , I know what acceptance means, I know what forgiveness means, I know the difference between joy and happiness. I have joy in my life. That means even in difficult times when I am aware I am facing a certain challenge deep inside there is joy because I know the Universe and God are working for me not against me. I now have faith that as God takes care of nature, so He will take care of every detail of my life, how it happens is not important. Little “Poly Anna” is back!
Cancer has opened a lot of doors. I knew I had a lot of work to do on myself in order to live. I started the path of self healing, opening myself to people, which I did not do in the past in fear of getting hurt, and I realised how much I actually deprived myself. For me taking action and responsibility for my choices and actions has been very healing.
I know now that I am more alive and healthier than I have ever been even although I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I know for a fact that I am not my body, am not my mind, I am a piece of the puzzle that makes the universe. I am love.
MY PINK RIBBON STORY A Puzzle Piece of My Life - 4/ 4
7 SEPTEMBER 2010
•♥• "Why celebrate a birthday only one day out of the year? Why not celebrate LIFE every day? I CAN ! I can make every day a day for giving thanks. •♥• ~ ~ UnKnOwn
A 10 year old birthday of a different kind; I have been looking to reach this milestone. I thank God, the Universe, my Angels, my dad, and my mother-in-law for helping me in the spiritual dimension. Now I know who’s hand my mother-in-law was holding. Mine!
Thank you Lord for bringing me this far, I love and appreciate my life experiences. I have no regrets. I am grateful for every smooth path, every uphill, every bumpy, and intertwined path. As I went through these adventures, I was wondering what the heck.... now I have many memories, stories for my grandchildren and a little wisdom to trust that there is a bigger picture, and that all is taken care of. That this picture is made of Puzzle Pieces and each puzzle piece represents a day in the making to make the picture whole.
Harry, Basil, Chris and Angelo thank you for your love. Your love got me through and gave me the motivation to never give up. Your love which looked me in the eyes, and was trying to read, how I was feeling. That love also helped me to carry on as usual and do what I do best, and why I do it as well as I do, is because I LOVE it. That is to be a wife and a mother. God granted my wish.
Thank you Harry for making sure I got the best possible treatment and the best doctors. Thank you for encouraging me and still seeing me as beautiful when my hair fell out. Thank you for putting up with my early menopause, the hot flushes and for being my emotional support.
Basil you inspired me, by the love and belief you had in me that I would heal. You told me over and over how much you love me, and how much love I have to give.
Chris you awed me, in your belief that with doctors and positive action miracles happen. You were so happy that I was always at school to pick you all up and attend to all your needs.
Angelo my youngest, I want to say thank you for giving my soft doggy toy. To keep me safe, and to be the link between you and me, & which has been with me to all my hospital admissions, and to this day it is by my bedside.
Thank you my precious four men, for always believing in me.
A huge, huge thank you, to my spiritual sister Magic Maria. Thank you for being with me from day 1, to every single doctor, medical and alternative, to every treatment, to every blood test, through all anaesthetics, and putting my socks on when I came back from theatre, every fear and every tear.... for supporting my family, and a VERY BIG thank you to Stathy, Mandy, Tina and Costa for being so accommodating, so unselfishly you gave Magic Maria to me. I will always know how much you have loved in order for you to do this.
A thank you to Maria my biological sister, who cried so many tears for my well being, Thank you for the weekends spent together and for just knowing I could be me, for example you driving to visit me when you know I can't drive to you.
A very important person also is Natasia Cook, my reflexologist and cousin in law. Natasia has been there, giving me treatment every single Thursday for 5yrs. I am sure part of my health being is having my feet manipulated and my big fat toe in excruciating pain..haha...part of the healing process.
A thank you also goes to my mom, for coming back into my life and being with me for the time that she was. She did her best as she knew how. The list is endless, I am very blessed with a loving family and with soooooo many good friends.
On 26 January 2006, my sister Maria was diagnosed with breast cancer. Maria is also doing very well. Thank God, hers was only localised to the 1 breast. She too had chemotherapy, radiation and a mastectomy. During her weekends that she did chemo, and when she had her op, she stayed with me to recover. I took care of her because she is on her own, her son at that stage was 16yrs old only. We are both very well.
So to cut a long story short, on the 7th September, I celebrate. I am grateful that I am enjoying my life and that I feel strong and healthy, as paradoxical as it may sound. Maria and I are strong, and our focus is our children.
Cancer restored my faith in faith itself, family, relatives, friends, humanity and love. I believe strongly this is the reason, I sailed through this experience, and how it woke me up from my sleeping state. I am saying this because; this experience reminded me all that my dad taught me.
My outlook on life has changed a lot now. There is no time, for pettiness or to sweat over small stuff. I trust in life and the universe and accept that everything is perfect as is. In nature no storm lasts forever, and life is like the seasons. Every season comes and goes, and every season has its purpose for growth and a chance to evolve. There is a silver lining behind every cloud, and after night time there is day time. At night/darkness we perceive that things are different, when in actual fact it is exactly the same. All is in perfect balance.
Both times when Maria and I were diagnosed, I dreamed of my dad, in different ways, but the message was “you are looked after”. Both times the dream was sacred, in the way that my dad was in a form of prayer. So as much as I believe from the pits of my stomach, and the bottom of my heart that Maria and I are healed of cancer, and that Maria and I work at keeping a positive outlook, I feel that should things change, we did our best, we are winners. Never does any one loose the battle.... simply accept, surrender and move on. I end with these two quotes
Both times when Maria and I were diagnosed, I dreamed of my dad, in different ways, but the message was “you are looked after”. Both times the dream was sacred, in the way that my dad was in a form of prayer. So as much as I believe from the pits of my stomach, and the bottom of my heart that Maria and I are healed of cancer, and that Maria and I work at keeping a positive outlook, I feel that should things change, we did our best, we are winners. Never does any one loose the battle.... simply accept, surrender and move on. I end with these two quotes
”Healing does not always mean staying on this side of life. Sometimes God has other plans for his children-and both sides of life are really one" by Peace Pilgrim
"The "I" that is me - you cannot see, you see only the form that you think is me.
This form that you see will not always be, but the "I" that is me- lives eternally."
Love, hugs and kisses.
Christina
Christina
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yours
`•.¸(¨`•.•´¨) my
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